Beginners Guide to Ireland

Pub Etiquette:
The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual; you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no mistake, your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed. People will mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation will follow you to the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family nickname.

Woolly jumpers:
Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are allowed to disembark. Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woollen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers.

Irish people and the weather:
It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience: Every time it rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go out and buy a new umbrella.

Ireland has two time-zones:
(1) Greenwich Mean Time and (2) "local" time. Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind GMT, depending on the position of the earth and the whereabouts of the man with the keys to the hall. Again, the Irish concept of time has been influenced by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can only be measured by reference to another body and can even be affected by factors like acceleration. For instance, a policeman entering a licensed premises in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is fact closing time. When this happens, acceleration is the advised option. Shockingly, the relativity argument is still not accepted as a valid defence in the Irish courts.

Irish Dancing:
There are two main kinds of Irish dancing: (1) Riverdance, which is now simultaneously running in every major city in the world except Ulan Bator and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the adjudicators.

The wearing of the green:
Strangely enough, Irish people tend to wear everything except green, which is associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine and the current Irish Rugby team. It's possible that green just doesn't suit the Irish skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).

Gaelic games:
St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron and baseball but are played with an intensity more associated with Mafia turf wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie," which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may be pulled as well.

St Patrick:
It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Less publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the early Irish Christians.

Signposting:
In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Signposting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe,or not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for neighbouring road-signs. The good news is Language. Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English.

Clothes
Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask: What clothes should I bring? The answer is: All of them!

Religion:
Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct answer is: "I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change the subject. 

Essential GAA Phrases 

Mighty - very good

Hames - a right mess - eg. "he made a hames of that clearance"

Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent

Welt - swing at

Lamp - a good thump

A Crowd - e.g. "that crowd from Tyrone are a right shower of shites"

Schkelp - a good thump

Bullin' - angry. eg. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him"

Bull thick - very angry

Joult - a push

Joshel - a shoulder push

The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general

Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"

Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player

A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.

Citeog - he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed

Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f**kin' warp you"

Blast - A great amount of anything.

Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness

A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!

Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Mike Murphy gave Tony Delaney an awful flakin' below in training on Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".

Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?

Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent

Leh-it-in-ta-f*ck-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

Mullocker - untidy or awkward players

Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in "we horsed them out of it

Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club

Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurleys like lunatics

Massive Row - Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences

Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and/or dressing room areas

"Come up ta F*ck"- A corner back back trying to rise the ball .

"Lord Lantern Jaysus.." - "The next time you do that I'll f**kin kill ya"

"a hape" - A big quantity (Heap)

"in the paw" - To catch the ball.

"a Brawl" - A collection of bodies in disagreement with each other.

"a Dinger" - Usually a fast wing forward who can leave his opponent "for Dust".

"a right C*nt" - The Ref was a bit biased towards the other team.

The Croker Phrasebook 

The guide to help new visitors fit in at Croke Park. Fair play to Marty Morrissey and the lads for throwing open the doors. Surely the least we can do in return is make some effort not to sully the sacred sod with our Ole Ole-ing, our Mexican waving, our booing and our sundry other Tan habits. This is an arena, we must remember, where the most complex spectator anthem thus far sung comprises the unforgettable lyrics, "Tipp! Tipp! Tipp! Tipp!"

And while there may be limited opportunities to roar "pull hard, he's  no relation", we can make some effort to purge our matchday lingo of Anglo Saxon staples like "play the channels", "woahhh you're shitttttt ahhhhhh" and "who are ya, who are ya". Instead, in an attempt to extend a hand of friendship to our new hosts, let's do our best to speak their language while availing of their hospitality.

Here are some helpful hints to get you started:

Greeting an enterprising debut:"Jaysus, young McGeady is a good yoke. Is this his first year out of Minor?"

On learning bad news of domestic form: "I heard that useless hoor Carr was cleaned out last Sunday above in Cardiff. The lad of the van Nistelrooys took him for two goals from play."

Handling the suspense of simultaneous internationals: "Have you the wireless Mattie? I hear Switzerland were batin' Cyprus out the gate at half time."

What to do when a blow-in lines out: "I can't place him. Is he a nephew of TJ Morrison of Gort? He has the go of him alright. They say TJ was the first man up to the top of Keeper Hill eight years running."

Looking on the bright side: "The long fella of the Dohertys is a bit of a mullocker but sure he's a good man to put in to bust up the play."

Noting a lack of zest from a participant: "Mother of Holy Saint Patrick, don't be standing back from it Holland. You're at nottin' in there."

Dispensing advice during a goalmouth scramble: "Pull, pull agin! Pull agin! Pull agin!"

Greeting Keano's customary early reducer: "Stop the lights! That'll soften the bollox's cough for him."

The hurler on the ditch: "What in the name a jaysus is Kilbane at? He wouldn't kick spuds to chickens."

Talking tactics: "The thing is Mossy, and tis only my opingun, but if you put Duff out wing forward, you're still short of scoring forwards inside."

Reminiscing on fallen heroes: "The bollox was fond of bacon but at the same time Harte is a big loss from placed balls."

Revisiting dietary patterns: "A drop of Dutch Gold? No, you're grand Anto. Sure I have a bottle of tea for the sangwiches."

A Typical GAA Junior B Line up.......

Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.

Midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

Hurling Explained 
This is a great piece written by a Meathman about hurling....

"Coming from Meath, I don't know much about any sport other than football. I've seen handball once. I've heard there's a game called 'rounders' and I'm even told that there's a women's version of gaelic football, where they're allowed to pick the ball off the ground and a point is worth three goals. But all I knew, until recently, about the other sport administered by the GAA was that it involves the use of weapons and that only Kilkenny, Tipperary and Cork are allowed to play it. (For the information of football people, Kilkenny, apparently, is a county in Leinster ).

I've never met people from Kilkenny or Tipperary because those places are very far in off the main roads, so the only hurling fans I've ever met were from Cork . (I can understand why Cork people follow hurling, because I've seen their football teams). Anyway, these people told me without being  asked) that hurling is "de fastest field game in de world (boy)" and "de most skilful sport of 'em all (like)". So I decided that I should plug this gap in my education and rented a few tapes of big matches to try and figure out how hurling works. I was immediately surprised to find out that, unlike most field games, hurling doesn't involve the use of a ball. Look as closely as you like at any game of hurling and you'll see no ball. At first, I thought the ball must be too small and travelling at too great a speed to be visible to the naked, non-Corkonian, Kilkennian or Tipperarian eye. But I quickly  realised that hurling is, in fact, a stick-breaking competition, in which the object of the game is to break your weapon, a thick ash stick, either against your opponent's stick (like the reverse of the principle of conkers) or, failing that, against his limbs, torso, head etc.

While the weapon remains unbroken, it is used to weaken the opponent's resistance and thus make it easier to chase him down and improve your chances of a successful break.  The stick is called a hurley and there are three parts to it - the warhead , which is the heavy end of the weapon, usually reinforced with steel bands. It is used for cudgelling, bludgeoning and inflicting contusions, concussion and localised damage to the head and body of the opponent; - the blade this is the sharpened, curved part of the device, just above the warhead area, which is effective in slicing through fleshy tissue and in routine amputation applications; - the butt , which is the stabbing end of the apparatus, used for tenderising the opponent's rib cartilage. The only protective equipment used is the helmet. Helmets come in a variety of styles. Many players wear knee-pads tied to the tops of their heads, some stick their heads up through the bottom of a canary-cage and one lad from Cork wears a deep-fat fryer. The headgear also comes in various colours because, apparently, no two players on any team are allowed to wear the same colour.

The game starts with two players from each side standing, fully armed, in the middle of the field. On a signal from the referee, they start to beat each other about the ankles with their sticks until the referee blows a whistle. When he blows it again, other sets of combatants lay into each other, trying to break their sticks, either overhead against their opponent's weapon in a sort of aerial fencing (known as "the clash of the ash") or on the opponent himself (the gash of the ash). When a player succeeds in breaking his stick - a smash of the ash - a  huge roar goes up from the crowd, the player waves his broken stick above his head in triumph and immediately he is thrown a replacement weapon from a store that is kept on the sideline (the stash of the ash). The crowd roars at other random occasions also, in what appears to be a side competition between the two sets of supporters, because when they roar, a man in a white coat holds up a white flag, in the manner of an umpire in football. If the roar is really loud, he waves a green flag.

If a player manages to strike his opponent on the hand or in the stomach area, this is known as a "dirty pull" and is one of the principal skills of the game. The only form of violence not permitted is pushing an opponent in the back and referees deal mercilessly with offenders against this rule. On the other hand, crippling, mangling, maiming and disembowelling and all other forms of "lash with the ash" are quite in order. The contest continues until there are no spare sticks left and the referee declares a winner, presumably based on a combination of broken stick count and number of casualties which, considering the weaponry deployed and the ferocity of the conflict is usually remarkably few. As a result of this preliminary research, I came to a few obvious conclusions: Kilkenny must be disarmed - by force if necessary; weapons inspectors must be given access to Cork and Tipperary and there is finally an explanation for the fact that the Romans never came to Ireland .

I discovered also that only teachers, students and policemen play the game. This makes sense, everybody else has work to go to. One final mystery remains: where are the Gardai when all this is going on? When will the blue lights flash on the clash of the ash?"