Anthony Tohill, Colm O'Rourke & Jarlath Burns...

Anthony Tohill, Colm O'Rourke, and Jarlath Burns are standing before 
God at the throne of Heaven. 
God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I 
must first ask you what you believe in." 
Addressing Colm O'Rourke first, he asks "What do you believe?" 
O'Rourke looks God in the eye,and states passionately,"I believe 
Gaelic football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such 
unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of East Tyrone, to the 
kingdom of Kerry. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to those 
people who stood on the terraces supporting their club and county" 
God looks up and offers Colm the seat to his left. 
He then turns to Jarlath Burns. "And you, Mr Burns. What do you 
believe?" 
Jarlath stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion 
are the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole playing career 
providing a living embodiment of these traits". 
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Jarlath the seat to his 
right. 
Finally, he turns to Anthony Tohill. "And you, Mr Tohill. What do you 
believe" 
"I believe", says Anthony, "that you're in my seat".

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Dublin V Kerry Replay in Thurles 2001 - Attention Important Notice

Arising out of the confusion that took place in thurles on saturday evening last, the g.a.a. Have issued the following notice to all supporters traveling to the game this weekend.

Please note that the dart and the m50 do not go all the way to thurles. 
C.I.E. Do not run a bus service every 8 minutes round the town of thurles. 
The grass verges outside of semple stadium may not beused for grazing ponies. 
If you see a local man standing on a street corner scratching his arse you can presume that he is a local man scratching his arse. He is not selling syringes, e`s or cocaine. 
Not all women that you come in contact with in pubs, clubs etc. Are sluts and roids. 
Drinks may not be paid for in pubs with either a wink or a nod. 
Music before the match and during half time will be supplied by the garda band and not azlan or some other sh*tty dublin band. 
Boys under 12 will be not be admitted to the stand unless accompanied by their father. If the father is unknown then a relative will suffice. 
Even though the match will be over at 5.30pm please note that you will not make it back to dublin in time for the simpsons @ 6.30pm. 
Anyone driving home from the match please ensure that you do so in your own car and not that of some hard working local.  

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The GAA Virus

The Internet Viruses Council has just issued a warning which should be taken very seriously concerning viruses which may strike during the summer months - in Ireland in particular. This group of nasty viruses are referred to as "GAA computer Viruses" and are named and described as follows:-
The Meath Virus: Throws you out of Windows.
The Clare Virus: Memory forgets everything before 1995.
The Kilkenny Virus: Guaranteed to hit 5 times on the 11th of September 2000.
The Tribesman Virus : Appears and disappears on one Sunday in August.
The Kerry Virus: Five years of hard work wiped out by undetected Offaly mail.
The Waterford Virus: Not due to strike again for another 40 years.
The Colin Lynch Virus: Boots up some Waterford computers and carries on as if nothing happened.
The Ger Loughnane Virus 1: Virtually impossible to rid your PC of this one.
The Mayo Virus Family: Always billed as harmful, but really are nothing to worry about.
The Mick O'Dwyer Virus: Attempts to install lots of foreign programs to replace existing slow-running applications.
The Limerick Hurling Virus: Causes problems for 65 minutes then disappears never to be seen again.
The Babs Keating Virus: Enters a PC, attempts to delete all existing programs and reformat hard drive; when detected and removed it generates weekly log files citing errors in bits 8 to 15.
The John Maughan Virus: System crashes in September.
The John Leahy Virus: A particularly lethal virus. Users are advised to tie down the monitor as a precaution before approaching.
The David Forde Virus: Hasn't been seen since the "Michael Duignan Virus Killer" was invented.
The Michael Donnellan Virus: Attacks operating system and timekeeper and then deletes all records of this ever occurring.
The Offaly Virus: Often looked on as a benign irritation but strikes your OS as you are about to shut down. Often results in the firing of the General Manager of your PC manufacturer.
Ger Loughnane Virus 2: A continuous whining sound emitted from speakers, keeps generating data corruption messages, PC blows up but it won't accept any blame.
The Martin Lynch Virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.
The Kieran McDonald Virus: The lights on you PC are all on but nothing works.
The Rebel Virus: Cheats your PC at vital time, plays outside the rules every chance it gets. Anti Viral solution being worked on by Loughnane Ltd. Rebel Virus to be put down 9/7/00.

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Loyal GAA Supporter ....

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Armagh and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Armagh fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Armagh fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Armagh fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Armagh fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Tyrone fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Tyrone fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Tyrone, and my mum is a Tyrone fan and my dad is a Tyrone fan, so I'm a Tyrone fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Tyrone fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Armagh fan."

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Memory Man

An Irishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied 
an old Indian sitting in the corner with his tribal gear on, long 
white plaits, and an incredibly wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" said the Paddy.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He
can remember any fact. Go on, try him out."

So the Irishman goes over, and thinking that he won't know anything
about hurling, asks "Who won the 1996 Munster Semi Final played in the
Gaelic Grounds?"

"Limerick," replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Clare," was the reply.
"And the score?"
"15 points to 1-13."
"Who scored the winning point?"
"Ciarán Carey," was the old man's reply.

The Irishman was knocked out by this and, when he returned home, Told
all his friends and relatives about the amazing Memory Man.

Five years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
Impressive Memory Man again. Eventually he found the bar and there, 
sitting in the same seat, was the Indian, looking older and even more 
wrinkled.

The Irishman was delighted to see him, and, deciding to greet the
Indian in his native tongue, approached him with the greeting "How".

"Solo-run out of the half back line." replied the Memory Man.

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New Tyrone GAA County Footballer:

The new Tyrone manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Tyrone are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Tyrone.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship. Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're f**king sorry???? It's your fault we moved to Tyrone in the first place!"

A Donegal man runs into a bar with a pig under his arm,

"Where'd you get that?", asked the barman?"

"I won him in a raffle", said the pig!

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The Things Men do for GAA !!

A man had great tickets for the All Ireland final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him."No,"he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the All Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first All Ireland Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find smeone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

Wait for it.....................

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

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My sister took an English relation to a club game of ours many years 
ago. During the course of the game, when things weren't going too well 
for one of our corner backs, a woman in the crowd was shouting:
"Take that useless c**t off, he's good for nothing".

Needless to say, the English relation was horrified at such a remark
and tried to reason with the lady saying: "There's no need for that 
language, I'm sure you wouldn't like someone saying those things about 
your son," to which she replied: "sure, the useless c**t is my son!"

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I was at an Armagh match in the early 90s with a neighbour of mine
who's loud by nature but is particularly vocal at matches (a bit rough
around the edges you might say).
Anyway, he took particular umbredge at one particular Armagh player
who wasn't having a great game. At one stage he shouts out the name of the player and roars: "if they won't take you off, for f**ks sake, walk 
off!"

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Didn't hear this one myself, but the great Willie Joe Padden told me
it at last years Mayo v Galway match from an ould fella behind him. Just 
after Conor Mortimer missed the change with the free, he stood up
screaming: "Jesus, if Lee Harvey Oswald had been from Mayo, JFK'd be alive and kicking!"

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A barrell of a man who was very much involved in Laois GAA was at a 
junior football match in Abbeyleix one night, and he went on just to 
make up numbers (jersey pulled on, playing with the socks around the 
trousers and someone else's boots).
Anyway, he was running around but the low stature was telling and one
of the lads shouted at him: "For f**ks sake Sabu (his nick name), will you go up for the ball to which he replied: "sure I'm not a f**king eejit, 
won't it come down to me!"

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At a reserve game in Co. Derry, one team who had only the bare fifteen 
trotted off at the break getting pretty badly beaten. Johnny at full 
forward was having a nightmare.... here is part of the half time talk:
Manager: "Johnny, you're coming off."
Johnny: "but we only have the bare 15."
[short pause]
Manager: "come off anyway."

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Galway minors played KK in the All-Ireland semi-final in '88. The cats 
(Carey, Ronan, O'Neill, Carter, etc.) were walking it. Ronan was 
injured in the second half and the Kilkenny doc was stitching
him on the field. As the time went on, a disgruntled Galwayman shouts:

"If ye don't hurry up, he'll be over age!"

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At a minor league game a couple of years ago, our manager was giving
the usual f**king and blindin' to us when a spectator said to him over the fence:
"Don't be so ignorant....(short pause).... ye big fat f**ker ye."

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 Nice Tipperary one. Workmates console Eddie Tucker after Tipp are 
demolished by Clare and he's had a bad day: "don't worry about it 
Eddie, it wasn't your fault, it's the fecin eejits that picked ya."

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Another classic:
I've been told involves the Ballygar-St. Brendan'shurling club in
Galway where a major dispute reared it's head at the AGM.
The chairman is reportedly a straight-talking bachelor of questionalbe 
diplomacy. Amidst the row, a newly appointed priest took the floor 
commenting on how the GAA should be a focal point for the 2 parishes, 
not a source of argument. He continued on about how everyone should 
pull together for the good of the club and see the club as a unifying force. The chairman stood up and said: "Thanks a lot for that now Father, but that's the kind of shite that sickens my hole."

Derry Jokes

Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A. They had pictures of Derry players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Derry fan in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do you have when 100 Derry fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. What do Derry fans use for birth control? A. Their personalities.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Derry fan. You   have a gun with two bullets. What should youdo? A. Shoot the Derry fan - twice.

Q. What's the difference between the Derry goalie and Pamela Anderson? A. Pamela's only got two tits in front of her.